I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
