i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
