a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
