He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
