So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Randomize