I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
