well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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