paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
