Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
