Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
