Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
