Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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