I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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