my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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