Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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