she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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