i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
