My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
