omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
