i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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