they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
