It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
