It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
