i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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