Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
being pregnant is like rehab
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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