i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
why do cheetos always look like penises
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
