You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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