Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
