I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Randomize
