So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
