Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
