So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
