why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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