Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
