I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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