So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Randomize
