dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
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