O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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