my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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