I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
