mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
