WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
