Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
do nipples grow back?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
