just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I have feelings that need drinking.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
