i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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