Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
