im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
