Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize