I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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