In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
