Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
