the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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