I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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