I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
