I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
