You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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