i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
