dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
