T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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