So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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