Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
